How New Vegans RUIN The New Year | Veganuary FAILS

How New Vegans RUIN The New Year | Veganuary FAILS



Ten…
Nine…
Eight…
Seven…
Six…
Five…
Four…
Three..
Two…
One…
All: Happy New Year!
The Meaty One: You’re all murderers!
The Nerdy One: Well that was… unexpected.
The Activist One: You ruined my protest!
The Girlie One: Thanks for hosting the
party. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your place before
The Jockish One: Yeah, I don’t entertain
much, and don’t usually never go all the way out for
holiday decorations, but I decided to challenge
myself this year…
The Girlie One: Hey you guys. So, I was thinking…what
if we did like a group New Years resolution?
Wouldn’t that be fun?
The Nerdish One: Well, it depends on what
you are proposing that we do.
The Girlie One: Well, I was thinking, maybe together we could go on
The Activist One: Well, I have an idea that
would make a huge impact on the whole world.
The Jockish One: Here it comes…the newest
“cause of the week,” am I right?
Anyone?
The Activist One: C’mon guys, this is serious.
Like life-changing, life-saving serious.
What if…we all…go vegan!?
The Jockish One: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what now?
The Activist One: Just hear me out, OK?……………
….can prevent
obesity and erectile dysfunction
The Jockish One: Huh? Ahh!
………..of deforestation and water usage. I mean, there’s all kinds of statistics
and graphs and facts and charts and data points and footnotes!
………………………and think of the baby animals! Look, a teacup pig in rain boots!
The Girly One: Awwwwweee!
The Meaty One: ALRIGHT ALREADY, WE’LL DO
IT!!!
All [except ribs-eater]:
Three…Two…One… Happy New Year!
The Meaty One: You’re all murderers!
The Jockish One: I knew this would happen! I’m definitely
weaker. And…
I’ve lost muscle mass!
I’m out!
Come at me, bro! Come at me. Come at me That’s what I thought! That’s what I thought!
The Girlie One: Well I’m excited about getting
back into shape. With fresh, whole foods!
… I’m fat.
The Activist One: Ugh, you guys are so selfish!
That’s why you have to be in it for something
more than yourself! When you think about the
animals and the environment…
The Jockish One: Does no one else see that?
The Activist One: …going vegan is easy!
And because I also care about my health, I’m
going fully raw, fully organic vegan with
a one-month transition period to an exclusive
diet of wheatgrass juice and coffee enemas!…
Do you even know what kind of vitamins are in raw Brussels sprouts?
Ugh, no, no, nope, I can’t do it, I can’t.
I can’t eat this way, that is just eh, that is too restrictive.
And I mean, come on. Who can really afford daily coffee enemas, right?
I mean, Veganism is just another form….
of oppression!
The Nerdish One:You poor little, week, ignorant &#@$%.
The Activist One: Not cool.
The Nerdish One:…This is why I always say
that coming to a decision based on facts and
logic is the only way to stay grounded and
follow through with your convictions.
That’s why I’ve outlasted all of you.
You see, I didn’t go vegan for health because “vegan”
only described what you’re not eating, so
you can still be incredibly unhealthy.
The Jockish One: Oh god! My body is already
out of b12!
The Nerdish One: Plus…
The Jockish One: I look pale, don’t I look
pale?
The Nerdish One: there’s the tendency with
any change
The Jockish One: Definitely iron-deficient.
The Nerdish One: to start self-diagnosing…
The Jockish One: I think it’s my blood type.
I’m so tired.
The Nerdish One: ….and I didn’t tie my
decision to pure emotion for the animals or
romanticism for the environment, because feelings
are in constant fluctuation…
The Girlie One: O. M. G.! Those little pigs
get FAT!!!
It’s gross.
The Nerdish One: Nor did I rely on selective
morality or subjective ethics because that’s
a slippery slope.
The Activist One: I found a local farmers
market you see, that’s what we need to do,
you guys! Support small farms, get back to the land and
the way we used to treat animals! Back when we knew every one of them by name, and they trusted
us right up till their slaughter.
The Jockish One: Seriously?
The Nerdish One: So…I’ve taken an objective
look at the available data, watched a few speeches
The Jockish One: I can’t live like this!
The Nerdish One:…and find the environmental,
health and ethical arguments compelling and
and completely in line not only with the values
espoused by the vast majority of our species,
including the touchy area of justice,
and the potentially overly emotional instinct to protect
the innocent, but also logically sound,
even after correcting for manipulated, partial
or outdated data, and blatant falsehoods.
Veganism remains….
the sensible, rational choice.
…boo, nerd alert, lame, not funny!..
The Jockish One: Go home!
The Activist One: You suck!
The Activist One: Hey guys, how do you know
if someone at the party is vegan?
Don’t worry, they’ll tell you!
The Nerdish One: This was your idea
The Activist One: Stop co-opting my activism!
The Nerdish One: What?
The Activist One: What?
The Nerdish One: What?
The Activist One: What?
The Nerdish One: What?
The Activist One: What?
The Nerdish One: What?
The Activist One: What?
The Nerdish One: Wait!
The Nerdish One: Wh—Wait, we did save him
The Activist One: Did we?
The Nerdish One: What?
The Activist One: What?
The Nerdish One: What?
The Activist One: What?
The Nerdish One: Wh—Forget it, I’m out. I’m out
I’m out.
The Activist One: Yeah, that’s probably best.
The Activist One: That’s probably best.


How New Vegans RUIN The New Year | Veganuary FAILS


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